How Microwave Dinners Work (Please Kill Me)

1. Ooooh delicious teriyaki rice bowl with tiger shrimp!

2. Microwave for 4-5 minutes until boiling lava hot.

3. Open up flimsy plastic sheet on top of flimsy plastic bowl, get second degree steam burns.

4. Take bite of delicious teriyaki rice bowl with tiger shrimp, get second degree burns on tongue, flavor still a mystery.

5. After healing, take another bite of delicious teriyaki rice bowl with tiger shrimp, made not so delicious by broccoli, carrots, and other "authentic" vegetables

6. Spit out bite of highly non-delicious teriyaki rice bowl with disgusting attempt at tiger shrimp, recoil in agony due to bad taste/burns/broccoli.

7. Throw away highly non-delicious teriyaki rice bowl with disgusting attempt at tiger shrimp.

8. Order take out like you should have done in the first place.

How CPR Works (What I learned during CPR training)*

1. Panic.

2. Pretend like you aren't panicking.

3. Check the victim's breathing if you can hear it over the sounds of your panicked gasps.

4. Start rescue breathing for the victim, inevitably making you more winded and lightheaded.

5. Start compressions. This will make you further exhausted.

6. Repeat approximately 1000x. If you are still alive, yay! If not, hopefully someone else knows CPR...

REPEAT CYCLE FOR NEXT CPR RESCUER

*Probably (and by probably I mean definitely not) endorsed by the Red Cross

When is it appropriate to yell "THIS IS SPARTA!!!!"? A thought exercise.

When it is not appropriate to yell "THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!":

1. When asked "what is this?"

2. During polite dinnertime conversation

3. While small-talking with friends

4. When indoors

5. When outdoors

6. When going through doors

When it is appropriate to yell "THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!":

1. When in Sparta during the rule of the Spartans

2. When LARPing (which is also never appropriate)

Conclusion: It is NEVER appropriate to yell "THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!"

Cleaning Thought Process

1. All will be clean in the next five minutes! This is so easy! I will clean the ENTIRE HOUSE AND VACUUM THE CEILINGS AND THEN SWEEP THE DRIVEWAY.

2. Why do I own all this stuff? Who else is living in this house?

3. Umm...I will clean the couch now. And the TV can be on in the background to help me focus.

(hours later) 4. Couch is clean :D

5. I HATE EVERYTHING

6. Ok I can finish if I focus...

7. Screw everything. I will blog about it and pretend that I'm not cleaning for creative inspiration.

:)

Time to go clean that couch....

Orders of Magnitude

Why not replace expressions like "a billion times better" with super cool Orders of Magnitude!

It sounds great!

"This one is 1x10^9 better than the other one."

"I want to be a 1x10^9-ionaire, soooo fricken bad..."

"If I had 1x10^6 dollars..."

If you found this funny, you might have serious problems (like I do)

Would you be my friend...

...if I went to Britney Spears cover concerts?

...if Ke$ha was my role model?

...if I dedicated my life to Farmville?

...if I totes abbrv'd all my wrds?

...if I was on TEAM EDWARD?

Let's be friends!

Celebrity Dating Service Ads

Photo credits:

#1: http://www.magnetmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/mattanderic380.jpg

#2: http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/34803571/Keha+png.png

#3: http://clmagana.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/britney-spears-bald-400a030207.jpg

#4: http://www.theedge.co.nz/Portals/0/content/musicnews/wenn2757072a__oPt.jpg

College Orientation-Dispatch #1

It seems to me that when groups of people are put into a new place, the same orientation program is the product.

Too many parallels to first, sixth, and ninth grade orientation exist:

1. The outfit that you wear on the first day DEFINES your personality. Bad news for the girl who wore the twilight shirt, knee length skirt, and fish nets.

2. Every conversation begins out of necessity or obligation. Your new "friends" are those that carry on a conversation for over 5 minutes. You are reduced to the city you are from (and if you live in Michigan you are reduced to pointing to your city on your hand).

3. The name-tag-glance becomes the most surreptitious/entirely obvious way of figuring out who you just met five times.

4. Accidently glancing at someone means that you are obligated to introduce yourself. Thus you must look down when walking in a large group.

5. Your leader is someone who loves the school entirely too much. Yay for her defending the worst possible dorms on campus with cheery stories about all her friends who have lived there.

6. The coolest thing you can possibly do is become absorbed in texting your friends. This way you give off the impression that you are extremely cool yet don't wish to associate yourself with something as absurdly ordinary as freshmen orientation.

7. The last resort of any conversation is what classes/major you are taking.

8. The funniest thing you could possibly do is loudly mock authority with dumb questions.

9. You meet the guy who had a 20 minute conversation with his mother and is trying to seem really cool (please go away from my door, as I do not want to hear/see/smell you)

10. The word "Icebreaker" becomes synonymous with "vacuous hour of discomfort"

And I'm posting this at 1 in the morning because my mystery roommate is still not back from whatever uh-may-zing (read: immensely stupid) activities he is engaging in.

And the party don't stop. No no no no. No no no no. [see above for obligatory Ke$ha photo]

Photo credit: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVtXBlyQo82UDtF_oTpZYzm0_CKgbD9mPxasaNhUZUitYNa4VokXTDTyM1j7NwmIoD81KoANzpyC11I-KvXNuraQZWXfr4aN89hPDZN2T_MF5bCA1zaQElVPEpG4Q1EF_kjXYve8aW5M8/s1600/img_5779.jpg (the text was all me)

klassy bumper stickers

The tropical temperatures of a Michigan summer.

Derp derp derp.

In order to create an apple pie from scratch, you must first use PAM.

Surgeon's General Warning: Ke$ha may cause an aneurism.

(Tony Hayworth is the CEO of BP. Now this is hilarious to you.)

Some Great Ideas

My awesome (temporary) ink:

I'm a closeted claustrophobic

Ben Rogers for Congress 2012: Results May Vary

Ben Rogers for Congress 2012

*paid for by some rich lobbyists

Ben Rogers for Congress 2012

*opening bid: $1,200.99

Ben Rogers: Professor of Engrish

Pants! Act now and get two pant legs for the price of one!

Jesus took your six pack

Don't you hate it when that happens?

Here's a link to the actual item:

CLICK ME (jk)

Buy one for father's day. HUZZAH.

great idea for a button

Price: Your dignity

CONVO ME

Would you be my friend...

...if I wore mandals?

...if I wore pleated khaki shorts?

...if I wore wolf t-shirts?

...if I made you do jazz hands with me?

...if I looked like this:

...if my favorite show was futurama?

...if my name was Earl?

...if I watched the View?

THAT IS SO RAVEN.

untitled in an ironic hipster way (barf)

This morsel popped up when I was posting about the blog (is that breaking the fourth wall of blogs? SOURCE NEEDED)

Anyway, please enjoy what facebook makes me type for you people. Or you person. Or more likely no one.

kthanx

NEW BLOG TYPE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I"M LAZY USE QUOTATION MARKS FOR APOSTROPHE NO PUNCTUATION kthanx

Herro Prease. I'm Ben and this is my attempt at a blog. You are probably one of three people reading this, so either enjoy that exclusivity or wallow in your poor time management skills.

I will try to make you laugh, or at least smile, at whatever I post. The blog is not titled "Blank Inside" to be ironic in a hipster way (barf).

It is titled "Blank Inside" because it will be a terrific waste of time, much like a Blank Inside card is a terrific waste of money.

So please enjoy wasting your time in a somewhat interesting manner.

There are exits on either side of the screen:

<<<<<<<================ To your left

And to your right =================>>>>>>

And keep in mind that the nearest exit may be behind you *

(that dot is a symbol for "out of the plane of the page, which would make you laugh if you have had the (dis)pleasure of taking a high school physics class)

So I leave you to it.