Things you can't trust

1. The ingredients list on any snack food.

2. The phrase "what a deal"

3. Bleach pens (which never work)

4. Your waiter/waitress

5. Your academic advisor (but you already knew that...)

Bad Advice

Hi! I'm your academic advisor. Come on into my impossible small office and take a seat in the blazing sun. I realize you're incredibly uncomfortable, so let me take this opportunity to talk about things that are entirely unrelated to your degree plan while you impatiently wait for me to ask you why you're here.

Why are you here? You thought I could actually answer that question? Seriously?

Well, I have no idea, but let me search that for you on the University webpage. I realize that you've already done this yourself, but being condescending is kind of a hobby of mine.

Great! Here's someone else I can pass you off to. They probably will have no clue what they're doing, but at least you'll no longer be my problem. I mean, I had a great game of Minesweeper going before you came here, so I want to get back to that.

Thanks and have a great day! If you have any more questions feel free to schedule a follow-up appointment, though I won't be in my office for the next three months.

[Dear blog,

Today I met with my advisor and I'm venting.

Thanks for understanding,

Ben]

Suing for Slip and Fall in a Winter Wonderland

The University of Michigan finds it remarkably exciting to watch students slip on the uncleared sidewalks and fall onto the hard cement and bricks of the pathways. This leads me to believe that they must be hiring people for something other than clearing the sidewalks of snow.

Since I am well-acquianted with the result of this non-work, I thought I could contribute by recruiting a few more employees to the cause. Below are some proposed job postings that you will soon see on the University of Michigan employment website:

Sidewalk Washer: This posting is for a sidewalk washer. Persons applying for this job will be driving large trucks (so as to endanger our students) while simultaneously washing the sidewalk thoroughly of any dirt or grime with large volumes of water spewing from the truck. Note that this will be done in the dead of winter, so as to abscond any unpleasantries from the pathway. No experience necessary, though desire to work towards the demise of others a plus.

Snow shoveler: This posting is for a snow shoveler. Persons applying for this job will be asked to shovel snow back onto the pathways after they have been plowed so as to create the aesthetic that is "The Michigan Difference." Large snowbanks are encouraged, as they will both pose a healthy obstacle to students and create the unique backdrop of Michigan in winter. Only determined individuals should apply for this position, as we need snow shovelers working round the clock to ensure maximum scenery/slippery.

Personal Injury Lawyer: In response to an overwhelming volume of student personal injury suits, we are in search of a lawyer to defend the University from such egregious mud-slinging.

5 Things NOT to do before finals

1. Dedicate yourself to listening to Justin Bieber's entire volume of work (limit it to his "good" work and you won't need to listen to anything)

2. Email your professor asking for a 2 hour meeting outside of office hours to "clarify what the hell you've been talking about for the last few months"

3. End your term paper with "This all makes sense, right?"

4. Wear your snuggie to the library.

5. Cocaine. Definitely don't do cocaine. And, though Ke$ha might argue otherwise, there is never a good time for cocaine.

Taylor and Byrnes Present: Gourmet Coffee (NOT)

You are looking at the world's worst cup of coffee, likely due to the fact that it came from one of those bizarre coffee vending machines. After an extensive vetting process, I have selected this as the world's most unpalatable, scalding hot, artificially sweetened and flavored container of sludge.

The producer of this awful idea, however, would have you believe the opposite. Here is the description on the back of the cup:

"AVI's pursuit of the world's best tasting cup of coffee took us to South America's premier coffee plantations where the world's highest quality Arabica coffee beans are grown in sunbathed splendor and nurtured by gentle tropical rains. Today, this treasure is yours, as our Arabica coffee beans are roasted to excellence, bursting with flavour, then freshly ground and brewed for each cup of coffee. There isn't a fresher, richer, more robust, full-bodied and better-tasting cup of coffee anywhere.

AVI...we're as unrelenting in pursuit of that perfect cup of coffee as you are."

As enticing as their description sounds, I've reworked it a bit to reflect a more honest review of the coffee:

"AVI's pursuit of the world's best tasting cup of coffee took us to Houston's third-tier industrial park where the world's supply of shitty caffeinated beverage is synthesized from chemical flavorings and enriched with gentle preservatives. Today, this over-flowing cup of lava is yours, as our artificial coffee flavoring is heated to roughly the temperature of the sun, bursting with thermal energy, then unleashed into your unsuspecting hands. There isn't a more dangerous, more disgusting, more frightening cup of mud water anywhere.

AVI...we're as unrelenting in the pursuit of your early death and your cash as cigarette companies."

(PLEASE DON'T SUE ME AVI. It's your own fault that your coffee tastes like reprocessed motor oil with just a touch of CoffeeMate.)

Katy Perry Explains Thermodynamics (What your chem teacher won't teach you)

Katy Perry, our national treasure, offers a nuanced understanding of thermodynamic principles in her song “Hot N Cold” (though her grammar needs improvement)

The premise of the song is that “you're hot then you're cold, You're in and you're out.” Here Katy Perry discusses the complexities of thermodynamic equilibrium. The object of interest was clearly placed in an environment colder than that of the original object. Thermodynamic equilibrium dictates that the warm object will decrease in temperature, transitioning from hot to cold. The energy, transferred as heat, is first “in” the warmer object, but it is increasingly “out” due to the transfer of energy as heat.

We then move on to this lyric: “The same energy Now's a dead battery.” Unfortunately, this is a flawed statement. While the warmer object now has less thermal energy, it is certainly not devoid of energy. Absolute zero is not achievable, thus this is a flawed analogy. This is perhaps the only weakness in Katy Perry’s scientific analysis.

The song ends on an important note. Katy reveals “I should know (I should know) you're not gonna change (change).” Here she references the idea of conservation of energy. The overall energy state of the environment will not change; the original amount of energy is simply redistributed, not decreased. This is a fundamental law of thermodynamics, and Katy exhibits her strong understanding of physics in incorporating this into her song. Well done.

Image credit: http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/18628061/Katy+Perry.png

An Open Letter to You, Bro

Hey Bro,

What's going on? I really dig the Adidas/Lacoste combo. And I totally agree that the Hollister cologne you bought smells way better than the Abercrombie and Fitch. They are definitely for posers.

I also really like your bandana and sweat bands. It's clear that you are planning on running later and that they are for function, not style.

Anyway, the reason why I'm interrupting you and your friends singing "All I Do Is Win" at the loudest possible volume, while it really does showcase your vocal range and musicality, is that I am trying to sleep.

Yeah, it's lame and all, but sleep for me is similar to all that Red Bull you are consuming; it recharges me for the next challenge.

So I would really appreciate it if you and your bros could take a break for a bit. Maybe take the time to boast about your basketball prowess or your proficiency in any social situation? Maybe watch the movie 300 together?

Thanks a ton, man; I really owe you.

-Ben

P.S.-You might want to consider house maintenance. While I really appreciate the architectural value of the empty keg on your roof, others might not appreciate how much it adds to the overall composition.

An Open Letter to the Girl that is Constantly In My Way

Dear Girl who is Constantly In My Way,

Hi! I know it's difficult to hear me trying to walk around you with your iPod turned up to "zombie death blare," but if you could stop jamming to N*Sync's greatest hits I would really appreciate 5 seconds of your time.

I realize that you are very important and have very little time to interact with me. Clearly there is a crisis so large it necessitates you texting each and every one of your contacts while remaining consistently in my way, but if you could set your rhinestone-encrusted Droid down for just a moment I would be able to get your attention.

You might also need to stop chewing your gum. Though perhaps chewing is the wrong word. You might also need to stop mauling your gum, as the world can hear each and every vicious attempt to annihilate the gum and its associates.

Now that I have your attention, would you mind just moving ever so slightly to your right or left, so that I might be able to walk around you and get to the class for which I am becoming increasingly late?

Thanks a million!

-Ben

P.S.--Good luck with your costume for the party this weekend. I agree that Katie is ruining your plan by not being the other reindeer, but you'll probably need to improvise something like a cute elf or a whimsical snowman.

Free Weezy (aka I'm back)

Reasons why I have not been blogging:

1. My professors find it fun to see how much work I can do before I fall asleep in class.

2. The University of Michigan bus system loves to leave me waiting for long periods of time, eating away my time.

3. My internet has roughly the bandwidth of a rubber band.

4. There is not enough coffee to keep me awake.

5. Some people here are literally too stupid to insult.

Reasons why Soulja Boy's new song "Speakers Going Hammer" changed my life:

1. Soulja Boy wakes up early in the morning to greet his neighbors, reinforcing the value of community within our society.

2. Soulja Boy has "more ice than a polar bear," conveying the unfair distribution of wealth in our country and the divide between the "haves" and "have nots"

3. Soulja Boy discusses the importance of his speakers "going hammer, bammer bammer bammer,"teaching us of the need for catharsis on a daily basis.

4. Soulja Boy is "all tatted up," reminding us of the importance of self-expression.

5. Soulja Boy endorsed Kerry in 2004 (jk)

So get ready people. I'll be blogging again. Enjoy. Or not. And leave comments so I can make fun of you.