Suing for Slip and Fall in a Winter Wonderland

The University of Michigan finds it remarkably exciting to watch students slip on the uncleared sidewalks and fall onto the hard cement and bricks of the pathways. This leads me to believe that they must be hiring people for something other than clearing the sidewalks of snow.

Since I am well-acquianted with the result of this non-work, I thought I could contribute by recruiting a few more employees to the cause. Below are some proposed job postings that you will soon see on the University of Michigan employment website:

Sidewalk Washer: This posting is for a sidewalk washer. Persons applying for this job will be driving large trucks (so as to endanger our students) while simultaneously washing the sidewalk thoroughly of any dirt or grime with large volumes of water spewing from the truck. Note that this will be done in the dead of winter, so as to abscond any unpleasantries from the pathway. No experience necessary, though desire to work towards the demise of others a plus.

Snow shoveler: This posting is for a snow shoveler. Persons applying for this job will be asked to shovel snow back onto the pathways after they have been plowed so as to create the aesthetic that is "The Michigan Difference." Large snowbanks are encouraged, as they will both pose a healthy obstacle to students and create the unique backdrop of Michigan in winter. Only determined individuals should apply for this position, as we need snow shovelers working round the clock to ensure maximum scenery/slippery.

Personal Injury Lawyer: In response to an overwhelming volume of student personal injury suits, we are in search of a lawyer to defend the University from such egregious mud-slinging.