Taylor and Byrnes Present: Gourmet Coffee (NOT)

You are looking at the world's worst cup of coffee, likely due to the fact that it came from one of those bizarre coffee vending machines. After an extensive vetting process, I have selected this as the world's most unpalatable, scalding hot, artificially sweetened and flavored container of sludge.

The producer of this awful idea, however, would have you believe the opposite. Here is the description on the back of the cup:

"AVI's pursuit of the world's best tasting cup of coffee took us to South America's premier coffee plantations where the world's highest quality Arabica coffee beans are grown in sunbathed splendor and nurtured by gentle tropical rains. Today, this treasure is yours, as our Arabica coffee beans are roasted to excellence, bursting with flavour, then freshly ground and brewed for each cup of coffee. There isn't a fresher, richer, more robust, full-bodied and better-tasting cup of coffee anywhere.

AVI...we're as unrelenting in pursuit of that perfect cup of coffee as you are."

As enticing as their description sounds, I've reworked it a bit to reflect a more honest review of the coffee:

"AVI's pursuit of the world's best tasting cup of coffee took us to Houston's third-tier industrial park where the world's supply of shitty caffeinated beverage is synthesized from chemical flavorings and enriched with gentle preservatives. Today, this over-flowing cup of lava is yours, as our artificial coffee flavoring is heated to roughly the temperature of the sun, bursting with thermal energy, then unleashed into your unsuspecting hands. There isn't a more dangerous, more disgusting, more frightening cup of mud water anywhere.

AVI...we're as unrelenting in the pursuit of your early death and your cash as cigarette companies."

(PLEASE DON'T SUE ME AVI. It's your own fault that your coffee tastes like reprocessed motor oil with just a touch of CoffeeMate.)