How to have fun via email

In college, everyone wants to put you on their mailing list. You could be someone who makes little children cry, and you would still get emails from the Student United Way asking you to volunteer. Occasionally I overcome apathy and request to be removed from a mailing list, but mostly I just delete everything they send me.

The other day, however, there was a little uprising, and about 10 or so people replied to an email asking to be removed. They, of course, did not understand how to operate email, and lovingly clicked reply all so that everyone might witness their request to be removed.

Queue angry email from club officer:

Most people would respectfully go on with their lives, but most people are not me. This email presents a wonderful opportunity to take the joke too far.

So I hit

and sent out this little gem

EMAIL ANARCHY

Waiting

Waiting sucks. This is how it makes me feel:

Networking

Today I sat through a seminar on research skills, and today we learned about networking. As a college student, I have heard the word networking on a daily basis.

Networking is supposed to:

1. Get you a job

2. Get you an interview

3. Be fun

4. Be difficult

5. Be easy

As you can see, some of these things are not like the others.

Here is a graph of what networking actually is:

WHAT DOES PINK STAND FOR? Maybe it's something as mystical as networking...

Pyramid Power

I was browsing Amazon for a book last night, and this popped up on the 'recommended' list:

I was very excited, and naturally I wanted to learn how to use pyramids to better my life, so I checked some customer reviews. Here is my favorite:

Excerpts:

"I...made my own pyramid water...when I drink it, I can think better. I don't know how it does that!...It makes water an elixir, by expanding the molecules"

I don't know what is more problematic: "Tianca's" statement about expanding water molecules to make an elixir, or the fact that 29 out of 34 people found her review helpful.

Meanwhile, I've decided to write a similar book:

How to Annoy Ben in Class

So in my animal behavior class today someone was all like:

What a great question. Alternatively,

Photo credits:

#1: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Mirounga_leonina_male.JPG

#2: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Elephant_seals_fighting.jpg

Less climactic endings to Harry Potter...

1. Harry and Voldemort postpone their duel for several additional books (and several additions to J.K. Rowling's house), only to work things out in the end.

2. Voldemort realizes the error of his ways, gives Christmas back to the muggles, and has his heart grow three sizes that day...

3. Harry dies of food poisoning after eating some of Kreatcher's nasty cooking.

4. Hermione fails a class...

5. Zombie apocalypse.

Ok I guess...

Fine, I guess I'll start blogging again. It consumes a good chunk of my time, but it's about the only place that I can post my newest Michele Bachmann jokes:

1. Michele Bachmann is running for president because she needs a bigger closet, and the White House has a great master bedroom. Michele's husband also likes closets...

2. Michele Bachmann joined the Tea Party because she loves playing princess and has a lot of imaginary friends.

3. Sarah Palin is still mad at Michele for stealing her hairdresser...

4. The status of Michele's eternal soul is still under dispute due to her time working at the IRS.

5. Michele's autobiography, "My Story," was originally slated to be a picture book, but reviewers found it much too frightening for children.

http://memewhore.tumblr.com/post/10246894407

How Graduation Works...

I've been to two commencement ceremonies in the past two weeks. Here are my observations for how they work.

1. Line up and wait to get to your seat.

2. Wait for the graduates to form a line and enter.

3. Wait for the graduates to line up and wait.

4. Wait for their names to be read.

5. Clap, a lot. Clap extra loud when you hear your friend/relative's name.

6. Wait for the faculty to clap.

7. Watch the faculty line up and leave.

8. Wait for the graduates to line up and leave.

9. Wait in line to leave and wait for the graduates.

10. Line up your car to leave the parking lot.

I am convinced that commencement is a ceremony designed expressly to annoy me.

Neglect

Sorry, internet, but I'm about to neglect you for the next week. It's crunch time, and blog entries are not numbers 1-17 on the to-do list.

I leave you with this excellent cartoon I just made titled "seal vs. Seal"

As you can see, the quality is very good; it is suitable for downloading and setting as your desktop background. It is also suitable for printing a high-resolution poster for your room. You're welcome. [Side note for grammatically-challenged readers: please see the past two sentences for the correct distinction between you're/your]

This is the quality of image that will, I'm sure, establish this blog as one of the highest caliber. Enjoy it as you wait a week for updates.

Smooches,

Ben

Namesake

“We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.” – Will Rogers

I am named after my grandfather (William R. Rogers), who is a big inspiration to me. Also, people tend to associate my name with Will Rogers, the famous western entertainer. It turns out that Will Rogers was a pretty cool guy. I'm definitely thinking of reclaiming William as my first name.

2012

Sarah Palin considers running for President, instead decides to run after ice cream truck.

#thefuture

New York Times vs. Wikipedia

First, read this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/26/opinion/26collins.html?hp

(Or not, but this will be easier to understand if you do)

((No really, you should read it))

(((parentheses)))

After reading that article in the New York Times, I laughed when I came across this correction:

First of all, who read that article and instantly though "HEY, WAIT! Slow down. The Battle of the Field of Blackbirds was sooooooooooOOOOOO NOT IN 1371!!!!"?

I can only presume that their email to the editor of the New York Times went something like this:

"Dear UNINFORMED Editor,

Clearly you've never read a book. As a history teacher for the past 40 years, I understand everything about everything. And EVERYONE knows that the Battle of the Field of Blackbird was in 1389. It would take someone with the knowledge of a 3 week old kitten to make that kind of error. I find it RIDICULOUS that you call yourselves a newspaper. GET THE FACTS STRAIGHT. MY DAD FOUGHT IN THAT BATTLE.

Sincerely,

Wilfred H. Suzelldorf, IV"

[or something]

My next thought was: how hard can finding the date of this battle be?

It is approximately this difficult:

1. Follow the link: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=battle+of+the+field+of+blackbird

2. Click on the 1st result.

3. Control F

4. "blackbird"

5. Here you go:

Apparently the staff at the New York Times are too lazy to use Google, and yet they make obscure allusions to battles from the 1300s.

Really New York Times? Loss of respect...

Mornings

So, as usual, I was heavily asleep this morning at 6:29 am, enjoying dreams of co-hosting the daytime Emmys with Jane Lynch when, ALL OF A SUDDEN, a certain alarm went off. Convinced that it was my phone set on a particularly loud volume, I swatted carelessly at my bedside table. After firmly throwing my phone onto the ground, I realized that the alarm was much too loud to be coming from my crappy $10 AT&T phone. It was, as I soon discovered, the fire alarm.

Fun.

Convinced that all things were burning, I quickly grabbed my phone and ran upstairs. Apparently my $10 AT&T phone is my most valuable object.

When I made it upstairs, I smelled smoke. Thoroughly convinced that everything was burning, I proceeded to run outside. This likely looked interesting to anyone awake at 6:30 and walking past the house; I was shoeless, wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, and my hair was quite disheveled.

People slowly emerged from the house, and we all commiserated on the whole "house is burning down" issue. We became skeptical of this fact, though, when the alarm was turned off rather quickly. Our maintenance man cheerfully joined us outside, announcing that this had been a drill, and that we had done rather ok.

For some reason, my first thought was not about how "successful" our drill had been. Nor were my second or third thoughts. Instead, I thought:

1. Yay my MacBook lived.

2. IT IS 6:45 am

3. RAGE RAGE RAGE

The combination of anger and shock prevented me from falling back asleep. Begrudgingly, I got ready for work, and at 9:30 I left the house.

It began to pour promptly at 9:40. Sans umbrella, I had a delightful mile-long walk to work in the torrential downpour.

I did arrive at work, bags around my eyes, hair sopping wet, outfit ruined, shoes drenched, and attitude worsened. I'm fairly sure those who saw me enter were mildly alarmed by my appearance.

So that was my morning. I win, Ke$ha. I WIN.

Worst Thing

The worst thing about being an adult is waking up at a decent hour of the day. Prior to this summer I was confident that 10 am is a very acceptable Saturday wake-up time. The fact that I am blogging at 8 am, drinking an enormo mug of coffee, and printing out Google maps of where I'll be volunteering today should indicate that 10 am is a long way away, and that I've changed my views (slightly).

I realized that I've become a bit bitter when I was watching a documentary on the Ocean and I became immensely jealous of the seals in the movie. They pretty much sleep all day. And when they're not sleeping, they are either eating or playing.

WHY NOT ME???

So, in conclusion, I've decided to be a seal when I grow up.

Seriously

Today was a serious day, and I think that watching Bridesmaids last night exhausted my laugh-quota for the week. So, instead of something funny, how about something insightful:

"We are deeply helpful only when we relate as persons, when we risk ourselves as persons in the relationship, when we experience the other as a person in his own right"--Carl Rogers, from the essay "Ellen West--and Loneliness"

It's a Michigan thing...

Summer frat boy style:

1. A pair of these

2. Ironic short shorts

3. Your dad's pair of boat shoes

4. 2011 model BMW (wouldn't leave home without it)

5. Backwards hat

6. Blackberry

7. 5 o'clock shadow

8. Beach ball

9. Somewhat inflated ego

SHIRT OPTIONAL

Enjoy, bro.

Things I tell my little sister to do...

Admittedly, I didn't write this today. Nonetheless, I think it's fairly funny.

"move your body out on the floor put your troubles aside and start living anybody can let it go throw away all your problems cuz right now its party time girl don't feel out of place because i'm in love with this feeling right now...."

(please read these lyrics to mom until she realizes it's a song)

(tell her you wrote a poem for class)

(feel free to make it dramatic)

(in fact, add lots of pauses)

(insist on finishing the song)

(insist on singing it while she gives you a "dope beat")

(refuse to explain what a "dope beat" is)

(proceed to break things afterwards, claiming it's for your street cred)

(then do a victory lap around the house...)

(...with the cat)

(tell mom you are socializing him)

(then put him in mom's bed--fun surprise)

(then take a shower--be sure to use all the hot water)

(use her comforter as a towel, claiming that it "works better")

#howtoannoymom101

[this is in honor of mother's day]

ADULT

Adventures of Adulthood

Being an adult is interesting. I'm not sure if "18 year old college kid working and living by himself over the summer" qualifies as full-fledged adulthood, but let's all take a journey into my day...

Wake up at 9 am: Yay! This is what adults do! Except I think they wake up around 6 or 7 am...

Shower at 9:10 am

Getting dressed at 9:30 am: Wear adult clothes! [Anything with khakis counts]

Walk to work at 11 am: Focus on how to be productive. Make lots of lists.

Work (11 am - 4:30 pm): Again, focus on how to be productive. Pepper in the words "optimize" and "dynamic." This might be hard to do (especially in the context of psychological research), but do so anyway ("optimize my reading schedule," "dynamic hand-pencil interface."

5 pm: Cook dinner. Make adult food. Lots of fiber. And hard-boiled eggs (the boring kind).

5:45 pm: Voting [Ann Arbor has a millage measure on the ballot]. Convince voting booth people that you're an adult by not using your sparkling blue gel pen to fill out the voting application and instead choosing a black pen. Well done.

6 pm: Watch "Arrested Development" for the rest of the evening, blog about being an adult.

Welcome to my first day of adulthood[ish]

The blog's back on...

Let's first begin with an apology: sorry if I disappointed you with my long leave of absence. I was shocked to learn that people actually read this, so I'll try to be good about updating the blog this summer, especially for those people who cannot see me but are still interested in hearing me complain (which I'm sooooooo good at).

So, for those who are interested, let's take a journey through my life leading up to the re-instatement of my blog:

January: Oh HEY classes! You are so much fun! I love talking about psychology, and I love reading interesting sociology articles. This is totally the freshman experience. WE SO EXCITED.

February: 7 AM WAKING UP IN THE MORNING. HATING 8 AM SOCIAL PSYCH DISCUSSION. WORST. SCHEDULING. IDEA. EVER.

March: Yay! Spring break! Only 1000 midterms to do...but once I'm done FUN FUN THINK ABOUT FUN. (you know what it is...)

April: Um, were we supposed to have read those three articles? [Yes] Ok because they're all subtle variations on the same thing [But that's what academics do...] Ok but I don't see the value in reading about the local pottery industry in a small sub-region of Costa Rica [You should be curious about how this fits into the larger landscape of industrialized post-Modern Westernism as it relates to neoliberal expansion] So, did you notice how that was just a string of buzz-words devoid of any real content? [Welcome to Sociology 101, 102, 201, 202, etc.] NOW YOU KNOW IT...

Yes, Rebecca Black's "Friday" is the new soundtrack to my life. And yes, Ke$ha is still near and dear to my heart.

So, in conclusion:

1. I'm back for the entire summer. [take a victory lap]

2. I'm still going to make all the tired pop culture jokes as before...

& 3. I've missed you guys!

I leave you with this gem:

[enjoy]

Overselling Your Class (A note for professors)

If you are a college student and have stayed awake during the first day of your classes, you will likely have experienced this phenomena: the professor that oversells their class.

It looks a little something like this:

"Welcome to Intro to _______, I'm Professor XYZ. I'm excited for our time together this semester, and I want to explain what my class is about [queue the out-of-control, every-animation-effect-known-to-man PowerPoint presentation]

This class will focus on ____. I've been in your seat, and let me tell you, I left this class transformed. It gave me a new outlook on life. I started watching Oprah. I started knitting. 'Nough said.

I won't say that this class will teach you everything you need to know about _____. Instead, this class will teach you everything you need to know about the world. All of it. Yes, all of it.

So you don't have to thank me know. You can thank me in office hours, as I am desperate for human contact. Please bring any and all issues to me in office hours. Yes, I am very concerned about every technological issue, personal problem, general complaint, and vehement rebuke of my class that you could possible have, so stop by the 100th floor of the most inaccessible building from 6-7 am on Saturdays to say hi.

I look forward to a fun semester"

Um, yeah. As for how to combat this situation, I'll have to let you know. I'm not done with this class until April...

Quote of the Day

Today was a long, exhausting day of endless work, so naturally I time for three trips to the cafe to get coffee, another coffee, and a sandwich.

I was rewarded with this gem, which put my entire day into perspective:

"The thing I don't like about mayo as a condiment is that it's all up in your face"~Loud phone talker from the School of Public Health

I hope this offers you every bit of inspiration that it offered me.

Some things

Things I am doing:

Blogging

Eating

People watching

Listening to music

Things I am not doing:

Homework

Other

Things you hear infrequently during class (but that I heard from my professors today):

"Yeah, this is how we do it"

"I took that class pass/fail when I was an undergrad"

"Don't get me wrong; I'm not prejudiced against North Dakota..."