Things you can't trust

1. The ingredients list on any snack food.

2. The phrase "what a deal"

3. Bleach pens (which never work)

4. Your waiter/waitress

5. Your academic advisor (but you already knew that...)

Bad Advice

Hi! I'm your academic advisor. Come on into my impossible small office and take a seat in the blazing sun. I realize you're incredibly uncomfortable, so let me take this opportunity to talk about things that are entirely unrelated to your degree plan while you impatiently wait for me to ask you why you're here.

Why are you here? You thought I could actually answer that question? Seriously?

Well, I have no idea, but let me search that for you on the University webpage. I realize that you've already done this yourself, but being condescending is kind of a hobby of mine.

Great! Here's someone else I can pass you off to. They probably will have no clue what they're doing, but at least you'll no longer be my problem. I mean, I had a great game of Minesweeper going before you came here, so I want to get back to that.

Thanks and have a great day! If you have any more questions feel free to schedule a follow-up appointment, though I won't be in my office for the next three months.

[Dear blog,

Today I met with my advisor and I'm venting.

Thanks for understanding,

Ben]

Suing for Slip and Fall in a Winter Wonderland

The University of Michigan finds it remarkably exciting to watch students slip on the uncleared sidewalks and fall onto the hard cement and bricks of the pathways. This leads me to believe that they must be hiring people for something other than clearing the sidewalks of snow.

Since I am well-acquianted with the result of this non-work, I thought I could contribute by recruiting a few more employees to the cause. Below are some proposed job postings that you will soon see on the University of Michigan employment website:

Sidewalk Washer: This posting is for a sidewalk washer. Persons applying for this job will be driving large trucks (so as to endanger our students) while simultaneously washing the sidewalk thoroughly of any dirt or grime with large volumes of water spewing from the truck. Note that this will be done in the dead of winter, so as to abscond any unpleasantries from the pathway. No experience necessary, though desire to work towards the demise of others a plus.

Snow shoveler: This posting is for a snow shoveler. Persons applying for this job will be asked to shovel snow back onto the pathways after they have been plowed so as to create the aesthetic that is "The Michigan Difference." Large snowbanks are encouraged, as they will both pose a healthy obstacle to students and create the unique backdrop of Michigan in winter. Only determined individuals should apply for this position, as we need snow shovelers working round the clock to ensure maximum scenery/slippery.

Personal Injury Lawyer: In response to an overwhelming volume of student personal injury suits, we are in search of a lawyer to defend the University from such egregious mud-slinging.

5 Things NOT to do before finals

1. Dedicate yourself to listening to Justin Bieber's entire volume of work (limit it to his "good" work and you won't need to listen to anything)

2. Email your professor asking for a 2 hour meeting outside of office hours to "clarify what the hell you've been talking about for the last few months"

3. End your term paper with "This all makes sense, right?"

4. Wear your snuggie to the library.

5. Cocaine. Definitely don't do cocaine. And, though Ke$ha might argue otherwise, there is never a good time for cocaine.

Taylor and Byrnes Present: Gourmet Coffee (NOT)

You are looking at the world's worst cup of coffee, likely due to the fact that it came from one of those bizarre coffee vending machines. After an extensive vetting process, I have selected this as the world's most unpalatable, scalding hot, artificially sweetened and flavored container of sludge.

The producer of this awful idea, however, would have you believe the opposite. Here is the description on the back of the cup:

"AVI's pursuit of the world's best tasting cup of coffee took us to South America's premier coffee plantations where the world's highest quality Arabica coffee beans are grown in sunbathed splendor and nurtured by gentle tropical rains. Today, this treasure is yours, as our Arabica coffee beans are roasted to excellence, bursting with flavour, then freshly ground and brewed for each cup of coffee. There isn't a fresher, richer, more robust, full-bodied and better-tasting cup of coffee anywhere.

AVI...we're as unrelenting in pursuit of that perfect cup of coffee as you are."

As enticing as their description sounds, I've reworked it a bit to reflect a more honest review of the coffee:

"AVI's pursuit of the world's best tasting cup of coffee took us to Houston's third-tier industrial park where the world's supply of shitty caffeinated beverage is synthesized from chemical flavorings and enriched with gentle preservatives. Today, this over-flowing cup of lava is yours, as our artificial coffee flavoring is heated to roughly the temperature of the sun, bursting with thermal energy, then unleashed into your unsuspecting hands. There isn't a more dangerous, more disgusting, more frightening cup of mud water anywhere.

AVI...we're as unrelenting in the pursuit of your early death and your cash as cigarette companies."

(PLEASE DON'T SUE ME AVI. It's your own fault that your coffee tastes like reprocessed motor oil with just a touch of CoffeeMate.)

Katy Perry Explains Thermodynamics (What your chem teacher won't teach you)

Katy Perry, our national treasure, offers a nuanced understanding of thermodynamic principles in her song “Hot N Cold” (though her grammar needs improvement)

The premise of the song is that “you're hot then you're cold, You're in and you're out.” Here Katy Perry discusses the complexities of thermodynamic equilibrium. The object of interest was clearly placed in an environment colder than that of the original object. Thermodynamic equilibrium dictates that the warm object will decrease in temperature, transitioning from hot to cold. The energy, transferred as heat, is first “in” the warmer object, but it is increasingly “out” due to the transfer of energy as heat.

We then move on to this lyric: “The same energy Now's a dead battery.” Unfortunately, this is a flawed statement. While the warmer object now has less thermal energy, it is certainly not devoid of energy. Absolute zero is not achievable, thus this is a flawed analogy. This is perhaps the only weakness in Katy Perry’s scientific analysis.

The song ends on an important note. Katy reveals “I should know (I should know) you're not gonna change (change).” Here she references the idea of conservation of energy. The overall energy state of the environment will not change; the original amount of energy is simply redistributed, not decreased. This is a fundamental law of thermodynamics, and Katy exhibits her strong understanding of physics in incorporating this into her song. Well done.

Image credit: http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/18628061/Katy+Perry.png

An Open Letter to You, Bro

Hey Bro,

What's going on? I really dig the Adidas/Lacoste combo. And I totally agree that the Hollister cologne you bought smells way better than the Abercrombie and Fitch. They are definitely for posers.

I also really like your bandana and sweat bands. It's clear that you are planning on running later and that they are for function, not style.

Anyway, the reason why I'm interrupting you and your friends singing "All I Do Is Win" at the loudest possible volume, while it really does showcase your vocal range and musicality, is that I am trying to sleep.

Yeah, it's lame and all, but sleep for me is similar to all that Red Bull you are consuming; it recharges me for the next challenge.

So I would really appreciate it if you and your bros could take a break for a bit. Maybe take the time to boast about your basketball prowess or your proficiency in any social situation? Maybe watch the movie 300 together?

Thanks a ton, man; I really owe you.

-Ben

P.S.-You might want to consider house maintenance. While I really appreciate the architectural value of the empty keg on your roof, others might not appreciate how much it adds to the overall composition.

An Open Letter to the Girl that is Constantly In My Way

Dear Girl who is Constantly In My Way,

Hi! I know it's difficult to hear me trying to walk around you with your iPod turned up to "zombie death blare," but if you could stop jamming to N*Sync's greatest hits I would really appreciate 5 seconds of your time.

I realize that you are very important and have very little time to interact with me. Clearly there is a crisis so large it necessitates you texting each and every one of your contacts while remaining consistently in my way, but if you could set your rhinestone-encrusted Droid down for just a moment I would be able to get your attention.

You might also need to stop chewing your gum. Though perhaps chewing is the wrong word. You might also need to stop mauling your gum, as the world can hear each and every vicious attempt to annihilate the gum and its associates.

Now that I have your attention, would you mind just moving ever so slightly to your right or left, so that I might be able to walk around you and get to the class for which I am becoming increasingly late?

Thanks a million!

-Ben

P.S.--Good luck with your costume for the party this weekend. I agree that Katie is ruining your plan by not being the other reindeer, but you'll probably need to improvise something like a cute elf or a whimsical snowman.

Free Weezy (aka I'm back)

Reasons why I have not been blogging:

1. My professors find it fun to see how much work I can do before I fall asleep in class.

2. The University of Michigan bus system loves to leave me waiting for long periods of time, eating away my time.

3. My internet has roughly the bandwidth of a rubber band.

4. There is not enough coffee to keep me awake.

5. Some people here are literally too stupid to insult.

Reasons why Soulja Boy's new song "Speakers Going Hammer" changed my life:

1. Soulja Boy wakes up early in the morning to greet his neighbors, reinforcing the value of community within our society.

2. Soulja Boy has "more ice than a polar bear," conveying the unfair distribution of wealth in our country and the divide between the "haves" and "have nots"

3. Soulja Boy discusses the importance of his speakers "going hammer, bammer bammer bammer,"teaching us of the need for catharsis on a daily basis.

4. Soulja Boy is "all tatted up," reminding us of the importance of self-expression.

5. Soulja Boy endorsed Kerry in 2004 (jk)

So get ready people. I'll be blogging again. Enjoy. Or not. And leave comments so I can make fun of you.

More Literal Rap Lyrics

Because I am lazy and still unpacking my college stuff, I leave you with this minimal-effort picture:

Image credit: http://grannevacation.s3.amazonaws.com/2007_summer_plains/20070629_friday/20070629_south_dakota_dirty_car_640x480.jpg

Ikea...which is Swedish for Dirty Rotten Lies

As a college student, I am now tasked with the unfortunate civil engineering challenge of assembling Ikea furniture. And, while I normally consider myself to be an intelligent person, Ikea's strange Swedish naming system combined with their abnormally useless instructions result in my complete inability to act as a useful member of society and render dorm furniture from what seems to be a random assortment of fiberboard and screws that go to nothing.So, sit back in your non-Ikea chair and share in my misery.

Sometimes Swedish Translates Surprisingly Well:

Ikea directions with added words:

(Note that in every set of Ikea directions, the man on the cover is making a box, leading me to believe that the only possible configuration for any Ikea product is that of the box.)

The finished product:

(Note the sheer insanity experienced by the chair-assembler, as noted by Ikea with their "a screw is loose" icon just to the left of the figure.)

(P.S.--So glad that Ke$ha could model for that drawing on such short notice)

Image credits: Ikea instructions + Ben with a Sharpie.

Taking Rap Lyrics Literally

Image credit: http://www.partyrental.cc/Birthday_cake.jpg

P.S.--That costume is for rent :D

How to start a meaningful conversation... (How to never make friends)

It's kinda like the time when I got chili in my beard and then had to ask the kind folks at Stanley Steemer Carpet Cleaning to clean and steam my beard...

It's kinda like that time when I got stuck in Dr. Phil's mustache...

It's kinda like the time when I found Narnia in Oprah Winfrey's toilet...

It's kinda like that other time when Miley Cyrus and I got matching jeggings...

It's kinda like the time when Ke$ha and I glittered Billy Mays' beard...

It's kinda like that other time when I was Zach Galifianakis' beard wrangler and accidently lit it on fire...

Hey remember when you were explaining how you love that new hot nude yoga class?

Hey remember when you and I were talking about our mutual need for Depends?

It's kinda like....

Image Credit: http://www.build-a-beard.com/storage/post-images/DR-PHIL-OPRAH2.jpg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1274110201234

How Haircuts Work

1. Wait awkwardly for hairdresser.

2. Get in chair and get dressed with the world's largest bib.

3. Try to describe what haircut you want (note: you will never be successful)

4. Make incredibly awkward conversation with someone twice your age. If you're lucky, they will quickly lose interest in you. If you are unlucky, prepare to talk about the weather for a very long time...

5. Now it's time to see your haircut. Chances are that it looks nothing like what you described.

6. As you leave, take solace in the fact that you don't look like Ke$ha.

Image credit: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh86OeXQWhDHeV-7f3N-ckMdUdc0w94znxvOnuWLtI7G4He8P1nNSLs_DHjDrduGOG_yUtkRPysLyLKXyQbSdWsLSYx6Sx_IHmfJKLduNBvgx3mwQKm6ntCKVBR0Y_p6e1fI6Ieid_dGY/s400/Mullet.jpg

The Creeper Installment (Ben Goes Antique Shopping)

Friend-of-the-blog (a very special honor) Anna Armstrong and I went antique shopping in Ann Arbor. Here's what we found...

My pick:

And hers:

Anyone can now comment (no account needed), so comment with your favorite new caption for either pick. The winner gets the title "Friend-of-the-blog"

Fondest Love,

Ben

S.N.O.O.K.I (Because I already waste your time with Ke$ha)

S is for the way you Shout at me

N is how you dance so Nastily

O is Outstandingly

Orange to me

K is kooky krack mama

and I just love the drama.

SNOOKI was made for me and you.

Why do I waste my life with Season 2??

Image credit: http://ll-media.tmz.com/2010/01/08/0108_snooki_wpix_video-1.jpg

Unlikely Public Service Announcements

Image Credits:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-agl0pOQfs&feature=related (frame from video)

http://blogs.mirror.co.uk/the-ticket/Ke$ha-22.01.10.jpg

http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2010/06/03/alg_bp_hayward.jpg

Dis, Right Here, Is My...Swaggg

Vote for your favorite interview outfit. Here's the rundown:

1. Molly's look: Granny suit with matching pink hat and geriatric sunglasses

2. My look: Hawaiian golf shirt, Pooh Bear tie, Navy blazer, and sparkly purple sunglasses

Confession: Sometimes I wonder how I got into college.

5 New Careers for Ke$ha

1. Mop for excess glitter.

2. Cher karaoke singer.

3. Jack Daniels product tester.

4. Sleepover guest.

5. Lawn Gnome.

Who did it better:

You decide!

Image Credits:

http://bumpshack.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/keha-american-idol-blah-blah-blah-photos.jpg

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD2HwPZXjDHkBLGCqr4_x86PXg5lfV95E3WnfJVsYzWcHuEuxcAHJxdh6mwWbta9R8d3mpvd7NUPKAoHFBM5FRNxCSg-IYbJQjdMeeoLtvU4dAbBDE8DD8NyqyPJrqRLodp9W1nrWzqHI/s1600/so00sqkmm.jpg

Why Primary Season Is Annoying (An Open Letter)

Dear prospective Judges, Senators, and Representatives,

Hearing a recorded message describing how great you are is not my idea of an idyllic afternoon. In response, I think I will be recording my own propaganda message and calling each of your homes. Since I have fewer homes to call, however, expect a call about once every five minutes.

Also, your campaign signs are littering the entrance to my home. Again, in response, I will be setting up signs in front of each of your houses promoting my name for no apparent reason. Since I have to purchase fewer signs, however, you can expect them to be roughly five times the size of your signs.

Thank you for your time. I will only be voting for the least evil of you.

Sincerely,

Ben

Image credit: http://blog.mlive.com/chronicle/2008/08/large_01campaign_signs.jpg

Some Ideas I Want to Pitch to You...

1. Instead of "Twilight: New Moon" I want to film "Twilight: Half Moon" about Vampire Dwarves...

2. Instead of the Slap Chop, a product called the Chan Chop, which is basically a replica of Jackie Chan's hand with a high quality stainless steel blade for your cooking/fighting needs.

3. Instead of Jersey Shore, a show called Golden Coast starring Betty White and several other cougars on the prowl...

4. "Star Wars 8: George Lucas Would Like To Purchase a New Villa"

5. "Land Before Time: The Story of Fossil Fuels" for kids.

6. A Scientology book series called "Men are from Mars, God is from Zepthar"

7. Mormon dating service called "The Book of Latter-day Faces"

How to wait in a line

(Inspired by Cedar Point)

1. Locate the line you will be waiting in and race everyone around you to get there first.

2. Once in the line, immediately complain about the dynamics of the line.

Possible complaints: length of line, pace of line, odor of nearby line members, volume of nearby line members, etc.

3. After the first fifteen minutes of line waiting, give up all hope and obnoxiously tell your line neighbor that you will never see the end of the line. If possible, complain to the people in front of you so that they will leave the line.

4. Text a friend about how obnoxious it is to wait in lines. They are obligated to be sympathetic because they are your friend.

5. Hum, sing, or whistle the song that has been stuck in your head all day at full volume. If you're lucky, it will be stuck in everyone else's heads soon.

6. Become excited when nearing the front of the line by making grandiose statements and mocking those in the back of the line.

7. Upon reaching your goal, immediately flaunt the product/outcome to those in the back of the line. Their anger towards you is your reward.

8. Run. The people in the back of the line were actually extremely angry at you.

If Band Names Were Accurate...

Image Credits:

http://above-thefold.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/owlcityowlcity.jpg

http://crfranke.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/nirvana.jpg

http://tuclic.net/inicio/images/stories/pics/gallery/portadas/Kesha_-_Animal_Album.jpg

Twiderp

5 reasons why Twilight is not realistic:

1. Edward is not a sexy name.

2. Women don’t like men with back hair.

3. The insurance on a teenager driving a brand new Volvo is astronomically expensive.

4. My dishes sparkle, not my skin.

5. Vampires are not real. Ever.

Image Credits:

http://twilight-review.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/EdwardCullen1.jpg

http://images2.fanpop.com/image/photos/9900000/Regina-George-regina-george-9999018-922-1400.jpg

http://www.twilightcartel.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/jacob-werewolf-two-versions.jpg

4 Craigslist Ads You Need To STOP Posting

Wow! Free coupons from a newspaper! Good thing they are free. I would pay upwards of $.50 for that!

Deal of the century! My 12 Pack of Diet Pepsi for your purse! It must be realllllllly high quality.

This is not an "antique piece," this is your trash.

"Sells for $300+ ON EBAY!!!!"

Still think Twilight is cool? So do 6 year olds.

Ke$ha Translation

"Your Love Is My Drug"

Translation: "I am on drugs"

Translation:

Original:

Translation:

Original:

Translation:

Lyrics Credit: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/keha/yourloveismydrug.html

Would you be my friend...

1. ...if I listened exclusively to Vanilla Ice albums?

2. ...if I wore a fanny pack full of coupons?

3. ...if I wore a large sun visor?

4. ...if I drove a bubble gum pink Mustang?

5. ...if I missed our date to care for my Neopets?

6. ...if I was level 4023 in Farmville?

Image credit: http://auntiefashion.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/vanilla-ice.jpg

Happy Historying!

Unfortunate versions of otherwise important historical quotes:

One if by land, two if by rhinoceros.

Give me liberty, or not, I guess, but I would really prefer liberty.

We, the old white men, of the United States, in order to become super powerful…

Mr. Gorbachev, this wall is really blocking my view of the other part of the city. Can we just put up a nice chain-link fence instead?

A pretty big curtain is rapidly descending over Europe, but I wouldn’t make too much of a fuss because it goes nicely with the décor.

Image credit: http://www.insertfishhere.com/images/Abraham-Lincoln-5-17-04-2%20copy.jpg

Idea for a Price Tag

(For a dollar store)

(BARGAIN)

Image credit: http://www.coast2coastmixtapes.com/blog/lilfats/uploaded_images/50-cent-722078.jpg

5 Fun Things to do with Ke$ha!

1. Glitter fight!

2. Dressups (you wear this torn t-shirt, I'll wear the beer-stained sweatshirt)

3. Cocaine

4. Ironic bathing!

5. Needlepoint arts and crafts.

Image credit: http://tuphace.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/l_5460c249f88a146ba02471762678e25d.jpg

How Microwave Dinners Work (Please Kill Me)

1. Ooooh delicious teriyaki rice bowl with tiger shrimp!

2. Microwave for 4-5 minutes until boiling lava hot.

3. Open up flimsy plastic sheet on top of flimsy plastic bowl, get second degree steam burns.

4. Take bite of delicious teriyaki rice bowl with tiger shrimp, get second degree burns on tongue, flavor still a mystery.

5. After healing, take another bite of delicious teriyaki rice bowl with tiger shrimp, made not so delicious by broccoli, carrots, and other "authentic" vegetables

6. Spit out bite of highly non-delicious teriyaki rice bowl with disgusting attempt at tiger shrimp, recoil in agony due to bad taste/burns/broccoli.

7. Throw away highly non-delicious teriyaki rice bowl with disgusting attempt at tiger shrimp.

8. Order take out like you should have done in the first place.

How CPR Works (What I learned during CPR training)*

1. Panic.

2. Pretend like you aren't panicking.

3. Check the victim's breathing if you can hear it over the sounds of your panicked gasps.

4. Start rescue breathing for the victim, inevitably making you more winded and lightheaded.

5. Start compressions. This will make you further exhausted.

6. Repeat approximately 1000x. If you are still alive, yay! If not, hopefully someone else knows CPR...

REPEAT CYCLE FOR NEXT CPR RESCUER

*Probably (and by probably I mean definitely not) endorsed by the Red Cross

When is it appropriate to yell "THIS IS SPARTA!!!!"? A thought exercise.

When it is not appropriate to yell "THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!":

1. When asked "what is this?"

2. During polite dinnertime conversation

3. While small-talking with friends

4. When indoors

5. When outdoors

6. When going through doors

When it is appropriate to yell "THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!":

1. When in Sparta during the rule of the Spartans

2. When LARPing (which is also never appropriate)

Conclusion: It is NEVER appropriate to yell "THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!"

Cleaning Thought Process

1. All will be clean in the next five minutes! This is so easy! I will clean the ENTIRE HOUSE AND VACUUM THE CEILINGS AND THEN SWEEP THE DRIVEWAY.

2. Why do I own all this stuff? Who else is living in this house?

3. Umm...I will clean the couch now. And the TV can be on in the background to help me focus.

(hours later) 4. Couch is clean :D

5. I HATE EVERYTHING

6. Ok I can finish if I focus...

7. Screw everything. I will blog about it and pretend that I'm not cleaning for creative inspiration.

:)

Time to go clean that couch....

Orders of Magnitude

Why not replace expressions like "a billion times better" with super cool Orders of Magnitude!

It sounds great!

"This one is 1x10^9 better than the other one."

"I want to be a 1x10^9-ionaire, soooo fricken bad..."

"If I had 1x10^6 dollars..."

If you found this funny, you might have serious problems (like I do)

Would you be my friend...

...if I went to Britney Spears cover concerts?

...if Ke$ha was my role model?

...if I dedicated my life to Farmville?

...if I totes abbrv'd all my wrds?

...if I was on TEAM EDWARD?

Let's be friends!